SadWeek

Industrial Engineering

2009-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Recently I'm thinking of what engineering I should study in the future..
Before I got JPA scholarships,
Aeronautical Engineering was my choice..
But the economy crisis really affects a lot,
the airlines are all having financial problems..
What do you think,
how long can a company stay firm while experiencing loss annually??
If still I want to stick to this plan, I afraid that I'll be jobless anytime in the future...

Mechanical Engineering then came to my mind...
I believe this is a good choice..
Germany is famous for its machinery n manufacturing..
Mechanical or even Mechatronics in Germany,
not to say may guarantee me a luxurious life,
but a least, a job...
The problem is,
Too many are studying mechanical engineering...
If i were to be a great competitor,
I afraid that I've to be really really really outstanding...
A machine should always function optimally..
It will only be worn-out if we over-run it..
I know how good I am..
No point to force myself completing impossible task..
But my brother has his point, nothing's easy...
Studying hard doesn't equal to good results
Good results doesn't equal to good future...

Then I think,
I should choose something that interests me the most..
Then only I realize, I'm quite into economics n finance now...
Maybe get affected by my brother..
I start reading economic newspapers...
The words related to the economy or business,
will also attract my attention...
But I have a contract with JPA now...
Contract states that I've to study engineering in Germany...
Although there is financial engineering,
I don't think JPA will allow me to study that course in Germany...
So, just forget about it..

Then I found Industrial Engineering...
Industrial engineers have to create a system for a factory or a company to produce goods and services optimally,
by integrating human, information, material, monetary, and technological resources...
After gathering information from the internet, industrial engineering sounds more towards to management, which is good to me...
Not to say I'm good in leading people,
but I think, I'm better when dealing with people than the machines...
The concern now is, is it worth studying this course in Germany??
As I said, Germany is well-known for its machinery and manufacturing...
Now I choose to study a course which is more towards to management..
Is it a good course in Germany???
I really need a lot of opinions about it...
Anybody knows industrial engineering well???

My brother's advice to me is, I should write to the Fachhochschule in Germany...
Ask them about the outline of this course...
True also.. That's a more efficient and easier way to make everything clear...
Maybe I should only decide after getting replies from them...
But meanwhile I should also consider other engineering courses..
So guys, any suggestions???

最美丽的第七天

2009-12-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

我爱哭..
我真的超爱哭的..
我真的很享受那哭的感觉..
由心哭出来的感觉..
比起我那平时的哈哈大笑，
哭了，我会得到比较大的满足感...

最美丽的第七天是一套满久了的戏..
两年前看过一次，
那时候不敢在爸妈的面前看，
现在也是不敢..
以为怕自己哭的时候，给他们笑死了..嘻嘻..

男女主角都很希望能走过生活里的每一条路...
但在人来人往的道路上，要能紧紧地握着对方，不让对方走失，是件很难的事...
家人的反对，外人的眼光，第三者的介入，生离死别...
每个人都有自己难走的路...
故事都因人而异...但信念却永远都是一致的...

不知怎么的..
以前我总是笑那些看爱情片而哭的人..
但现在自己却无法自拔地在大哭..
哭，是因为感动；
哭，是因为伤心；
哭，是因为男女主角有时实在是太笨了...
很希望看到完美的结局...
但，你会相信Happily Ever After?

看完这套戏过后，
感觉很空虚...
真的很想停留在戏里那快乐的时光..
不想这套戏有结局，
只想它可以陪我直至有人能和我一起上演另一套属于我们俩的剧情...
曾经有过一个刻骨铭心的爱情...
就是因为这样而变得执着...
为了一个已不能挽救的爱情而失去了一个机会...
失去了一个真心对待自己的人...

气自己笨...
气自己这么迟才清醒...
每一样事情，真的要等待失去了才想拥有吗？
有了坏，才有好；
有了慢，才有快；
有了小，才有大；
有了失去，才有拥有???
生活真的是那么的峰回路转...
想要简单点，那就不精彩...
想要精彩点，那就等着迎接眼泪吧...
所以哭,有时并不是伤心的代表，
而是代表着自己的人生里，又写了一页很精彩的故事...
这一切都要看自己，要从哪一个角度去演绎自己的人生...
演绎自己美丽的人生...

这话说的易，做的难...
有时候觉得，如果每样事都跟着道理走，
生活只会变成死死板板的程序...
跟着感觉走，生活会不会更精彩刺激呢?

痴心妄想

2009-11-26T10:29:00.000-08:00

最近，听说她觉得有点后悔...

后悔她曾经做过的决定...

后悔她选择了离开我...

我顿时感觉到那曾经很熟悉，强烈的感觉，

再次的占领我心里的每一寸...

我觉得恨牟盾...

一方面，我相信我对她的那种感觉，依然还在...

另一方面，我害怕再次承受那永远不能自愈的打击...

征求朋友的意见，只是一个借口去拖延自己...

不让自己面对那残酷无情的事实...

心里其实已有一个决定，决定再去尝试争取自己的幸福...

但是，我还是那原来的我...

没足够的勇气与胆量，去接受那捉摸不定的未来...

想去问清楚...

想去重拾以前那美好的回忆...

但她还是她...

问她许多东西，她也都只会随便的回答一句...

我的努力，永远都得不到她的配合而白费...

她不需要为任何人改变自己...

但是适量的改变，

绝对能让我们从一个不愉快的结局，

去开始缔造一页页美丽的童话...

她对我的冷淡，让我退缩，止步...

让我重新的了解，

她后悔，

其实只因为她觉得内疚...

内疚把我伤害的如此深...

而绝非因为她对我还有感觉...

梦，是时候醒了...

希望自己不再痴心妄想...

不再抱有任何的希望...

就让她，慢慢地离我走远，开始那属于我们那各自的生活...

In My Arms Again (Pirates of the Caribbean)

2009-09-25T08:26:00.002-07:00

Which clip do you guys prefer???

In My Arms Again (Anime)

2009-09-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

三年半

2009-09-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

也应该差不多三年半了吧...

怎么样也忘不了...

但比起以前那倾盆大雨

我想，现在只剩绵绵细雨吧...

回想起真的经历了很多...

但一想起那讽刺的一句，

“追求她的时间还长过我们交往的时间”

心顿时觉得有一点点的不舒服...

但没办法，

可能她觉得我不是她想要的那类型吧...

也许我这个人太没情趣，她觉得和我在一起时，缺乏了那种浪漫的感觉吧...

也许是我做的实在太多了，她已经厌倦了吧...

也许是在交往过后的一个月，她才发觉自己不喜欢我吧...

忘记她的生日是我不对...

是我粗心，还是大意？

是我太过在意她的生日而忘记呢？

还是我真的把她给忘了?

她说，可能是因为她的离去对我来讲不是什么大不了的事,

所以才会忘记她的生日吧...

她说这是一种解脱...

她再也不用因为她的离去而感到内疚...

内疚？

难道她之前跟我在一起，不是因为她喜欢我，

而只是想感谢我对她的爱？

我真的很想对她说，她错了...

她的离去对我来讲是一件大事...

但又何必呢？

既然她已说那是一种解脱，

我想我也应该让她开开心心的活下去...

既然我对这一段感情再也不抱什么希望，

我也不可以那么自私...

只希望她能够过她想要的生活...

我也该拥有我自己的生活...

或许在我还没读完书之前，我都不会谈恋爱吧...

Advices

2009-09-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

The feeling of being home is always the best...

The smell of my favourite dishes tickled the tip of my nose again...

I can't stop my legs from speeding up themselves cantering towards my grandma's house,

Towards the laughters of my 2-year-old and 3-year-old cousins that were caressing my eardrum again...

I can't wait to put my lips on their soft cheeks...

The bedroom is so familiar to me...

Two beds are arranged side by side with a window on the right in this small little chamber...

Through the window , every morning the starch white sunlight will blind me momentarily...

Usually I'll turn about and away from the light, to the left...

A bookshelf is there with all my brother's books and also mine...

Trophies are standing up high on it...

Indicating all the success that we have gone through before we reach this part of our lives;

And sure, also all the hard works that we have to cope with behind this glory history...

I talked to my mum and dad at a drizzling night after the dinner...

Sometimes when we think too far,

Unnecessary worries will find their way to us...

So it is better to complete daily task without thinking of what would happen next and always have the worst contemplation...

I think, what I should do now is to set a target for myself daily...

Concentrate fully on the tasks on my hand and put in more effort to every little thing that I should do daily...

It's just like building block...

If we thought of how high we could reach and the consequences after our job is done,

we'll never do our current task well, and the outcome will never be positive...

It's better to concentrate on only each block that we're handling,

No matter how long it takes, we'll sure have a strong and stable building block in the end...

Hope I can really make it...

You're SAMRT!!!

2009-09-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

"You're smart!"

Some of my friends have said this to me...

But, I'm not...

I'm not consistence enough...

Although ups and downs are significant components that make up one's interesting life,

I don't think I would welcome them to interrupt my performance in my study...

Climbing up a versant and building up my confidence is a time-consuming and an energy-hungry process...

But whenever I've reached until a certain level...

I'll roll down the slope and fall back to the foot of the mountain where I've my zero confidence...

I'm not consistence enough...

So, which word describes me the best???

Smart or stupid?

I don't really know where I stand...

When I'm with a stupid person, I'm smart;

When I'm with a smart person, I'm stupid...

These two sentences seem easy to be understood...

But can these two sentences show clearly what the words "smart" and "stupid" mean???

All adjectives are the outcomes of comparison...

Maybe I shouldn't have bothered so much on the power of words...

I'm not consistence enough...

Maybe I should not put the blame on others but on me...

Maybe I'm just an ordinary guy who is not capable enough to handle the competitive surroundings...

Maybe I'm now on the wrong track and tend to deviate from my chosen path, away from the group of friends whom I care the most...

Maybe... Maybe and maybe...

So many uncertainties I've encountered...

And so many stress I've to endured...

If I were unbearable, what would happen next?

No matter how it would be, I won't let myself fall, nor my spirit..

Never ever...

2 days ago...

2008-12-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

08 DEC 2008 (enjoyable and happy day!!!) :

This morning I helped my grandma to start painting her house. The people involved were me, my uncle, my aunt and 1 of my cousins (the fat one =P). At first, I painted the middle part of the wall in the living room. Quite successful. Hehe... But my cousin was just simply applying the paint on the wall. So, when my aunt came, everybody was blaming and criticising his work. Haha... Pity him la... But he was really playing around only. After 20 or 30 minutes I think, he was sitting down, enjoying the food bought by my aunt and rest. Too fat and too lazy. Haha... Then my aunt had to help to re-paint the part that painted by him. Troublesome they said. =) Quite fun actually. But the sad thing is I didn't take any photos on that day... =( When the clock stroke 12, I rushed back to my house and get myself cleaned. Cause I've to play DOTA with my friends!!! Lol... 2p.m. we started at infinity and we played till 7p.m. 4 games we played I think. Lost 2 and won 2. Hehe... Actually I couldn't remember well all the games. What I can remember is the last game. My opponent was Rikimaru and I was using Minara Nightshade. In the early game, me and my friend farmed well. My friend was using Fearie Dragon. And my friend (Fearie Dragon) farmed like hell, when I was on the half way getting my MKB, he got Skuadi already. And we couldn't pawn like hell, but at least we still can psuh la... In late game, we pushed 2 lanes already and they 1 lane only. But the riki, 1 hero came from the back and their team won the game, really omg... Haha... After our dinner, we played two games again. And this time, we didn't shuffle player but divided properly. Luckily I got my two best favourite teammates, Tat Mun and Jasper. Don't know why, I always can co-operate well with them. Then at last, we won the two games and beat down the person who used Rikimaru last time... Lol...

09 DEC 2008 (busy busy busy!!!) :

This morning I thought I can have my eyes' test and choose my frame. But my mum phoned them and was told that the person who does the eyes' test was not here today. So, have to delay a day again... T_T... After that, it was a busy, tiring and occupied day. My grandma asked me and two cousins (both fat ones... Haha...) to paint again. This time I was the one in charged of the top part... Cause I'm the tallest at home now. (proud... Lol...) But it was really very tiring. After working for a whole day, I still played tower defense. Hehe... And now I'm still blogging. Haha... So, I think it's bed time for me le... Hehe... Nitez...

A Great Day!!!

2008-12-07T06:23:00.000-08:00

06 DEC 2008:

I've bought a new external hard disk today!!! 320GB at RM239. Not bad I think. My uncle and friends say it's considered cheap The external hard disk is WAIO some more. Hehe... Spent my own money of cause. Later my mum will get me a new specs, a broadband and maybe a new handphone. So can't spend her money anymore. Hehe... And before that, my grandma told me I've to help her to paint her house. So i'll be very busy these few days. =) Hmm... Can't remember when was the last time I help her to paint her house. But her house will surely get dirty easily cause there are children always in her house and mess up everything. =) Later my two little cousins will be having their drawings on the walls. Lol... Nice drawings =P...

My new external hard disk... =P

07 DEC 2008:

Today morning, my aunts and I went shopping together. But I was in charging of the trolley only. I din buy anything yet. Maybe next week my mum said. Cause later when I go back to Shah Alam, I may not be coming back until Chinese New Year, so better buy some cloth before I go back. I don't plan to buy many. Only 2 or 3 shirts and then maybe plus 1 pants. I've already asked my brother to buy some shirts from US for me... Hehe... Cause branded with a lower price. Can you imagine that "FCUK" and "DKNY" shirts with only RM40??? Lol... That's why. After going to shopping, actually had planned to have a eyes' test and then choose a new frame for my new specs. But there were already 4 people waiting for the test and the test will take around 20 minutes. So, we have planned not to do today but tomorrow after 11 a.m. A little bit disappointed but never mind, I can still have a new specs later. Lol...

And then this afternoon, my aunts and my mum were still staying at my grandma's house to play mahjong. My grandma said she hasn't played mahjong for a long time already. So must play today, and also few days ago. But ended up she had lost for 2 days in a row. Lol... They had played for a whole afternoon and I've slept for a whole afternoon also... Haha... As usual, sleeping (i mean sleeping here, not taking a nap) seems to be an important day routine for me now, even during school days. Hehe...

Till just now, the same group of us, a total of 14 people (including my two little cousins!!!) went for a steamboat. Haha... Quite enjoyable but it was raining heavily. Was really very very very very very.... HEAVY!!! And my youngest cousin was crying like hell. Most probably being scared by the thunders and the sounds produced by the hitting of rain drops on the roof. Her mother, my grandma, 2 of my aunts and my mum were like taking turns to comfort her and walking around. Really busy. Hehe... All of them didn't eat much during this dinner. (and I was like sitting there, enjoying my food and watching them) Pity them really. Hehe...

My two beloved cousins... =)

突然好想你

2008-12-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

A Touching Story I Think...=)

2008-12-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

一個個無情的誤解，打亂了幸福的腳步。
當命運的死結終於用代價打開，一切都為時已晚。

接婆婆來家安度晚年﹐結果卻背離我們的初衷﹐
結婚二年後﹐先生跟我商量把婆婆從鄉下接來安度晚年。
先生很小時父親就過世了﹐他是婆婆唯一的寄託﹐
婆婆一個人扶養他長大﹐供他讀完大學。
'含辛茹苦'這四個字用在婆婆的身上﹐絕對不為過！
我連連說好﹐馬上給婆婆收拾出一間南向帶陽台的房間﹐
可以曬太陽﹐養花草什麼的。
先生站在陽光充足的房間﹐一句話沒說﹐卻突然舉起我在房間裡轉圈﹐
在我張牙舞爪地求饒時﹐先生說﹕'接咱們媽去。'
先生身材高大﹐我喜歡貼著他的胸口﹐
感覺嬌小的身體隨時可被他抓起來塞進口袋。
當我和先生發生爭執而又不肯屈服時﹐先生就把我舉起來﹐
在腦袋上方搖搖晃晃﹐
一直到我嚇得求饒。
這種驚恐的快樂讓我迷戀。

婆婆在鄉下的習慣一時改不掉。
我習慣買束鮮花擺在客廳裡﹐婆婆後來實在忍不住﹕
'你們娃娃不知道過日子﹐買花幹什麼？又不能當飯吃！'
我笑著說﹕'媽﹐家裡有鮮花盛開﹐人的心情會好。'
婆婆低著頭嘟噥﹐先生就笑﹕
'媽﹐這是城裡人的習慣﹐慢慢的﹐你就習慣了。'
婆婆不再說什麼﹐但每次見我買了鮮花回來﹐依舊忍不住問花了多少錢﹐
我說了﹐他就'嘖嘖'咂嘴。

有時﹐見我買大包小包的東西回家﹐她就問這個多少錢那個多少錢﹐
我─如實回答﹐她的嘴就咂的更響了。
先生擰著我的鼻子說﹕'小傻瓜你別告訴她真實價錢不就行了嗎？'
快樂的生活漸漸有了不和諧的聲音。
婆婆最看不慣我先生起來做早餐。
在她看來﹐大男人給老婆燒飯﹐哪有這個道理？
早餐桌上﹐婆婆經常陰著一張臉﹐我裝做看不見。
婆婆便把筷子弄得叮噹亂響﹐這是她無聲的抗議。
我在少年宮做舞蹈老師﹐跳一整天舞已夠累的了﹐
早晨暖洋洋的被窩﹐我不想扔掉這惟一的享受﹐
於是﹐我對婆婆的抗議裝聾作啞。
婆婆偶爾願意幫我做一些家務﹐但她一做我就更忙了。
比如﹐她把用過的垃圾袋通通收集起來﹐說等攢夠了賣廢塑料﹐
搞得家裡到處都是廢塑料袋；
她捨不得用洗潔精洗碗﹐為了不傷她的自尊﹐我只好偷偷再洗一遍。
一次﹐我晚上偷偷洗碗被婆婆看見了﹐
她'啪'的一聲摔上門﹐趴在自己的房間裡放聲大哭。
先生左右為難﹐事後﹐先生一晚上沒跟我說話﹐
我撒嬌﹐耍賴﹐他也不理我。
我火了﹐ 問他﹕'我究竟哪裡做錯了？'
先生瞪著我說﹕'你就不能遷就一下﹐碗再不乾淨也吃不死人吧？'

後來﹐好長一段時間﹐婆婆不跟我說話﹐
家裡的氣氛開始逐漸尷尬。
那段日子﹐先生活得很累﹐不知道要先逗誰開心好。
婆婆為了不讓兒子做早餐﹐義無反顧地承擔起燒早飯的'重任'。
婆婆看著先生吃得快樂﹐再看看我﹐用眼神譴責我沒有盡到做妻子的責任。
為了逃避尷尬﹐我只好在上班的路上買包奶打發自己。
睡覺時﹐先生有點生氣地問我﹕
'蘆荻﹐是不是嫌棄我媽做飯不衛生才不在家吃？'
翻了一個身﹐他扔給我冷冷的脊背﹐任憑我委屈的流淚。
最後﹐先生嘆氣﹕
'蘆荻﹐就當是為了我﹐你在家吃早餐行不行？'
我只好回到尷尬的早餐桌上。

那天早晨﹐我喝著婆婆煮的稀飯﹐忽然一陣反胃﹐
肚子裡所有的東西都搶著向外奔跑﹐我拼命地壓抑著不讓它們往上翻湧﹐
但還是壓不住﹐我扔下碗﹐衝進廁所﹐吐得稀裡嘩啦。
當我喘息著平定下來時﹐聽見婆婆夾雜著家鄉話的抱怨和哭聲﹐
先生站在衛生間門口憤怒地望著我﹐
我乾張著嘴巴說不出話﹐我真的不是故意的。
我和先生開始了第一次激烈的爭吵﹐婆婆先是瞪著眼看我們﹐
然後起身﹐蹣跚著出門去了。
先生恨恨地瞪了我一眼﹐下樓追婆婆去了。

意外迎來新生命﹐卻突然葬送了婆婆的性命！
整整三天﹐先生沒有回家﹐連電話都沒有。
我正氣著﹐想想自從婆婆來後﹐我已經受夠委屈了﹐還要我怎麼樣？
莫明其妙的﹐我最近總想嘔吐﹐吃什麼都沒有胃口﹐
加上亂七八糟的家事﹐心情差到了極點。
後來﹐還是同事告訴我﹕'蘆荻﹐你臉色很差﹐還是去醫院看看吧。'
醫院檢查的結果是我懷孕了。
我明白了那天早晨我為什麼突然嘔吐﹐幸福中夾著一絲幽怨﹕
先生和曾經是過來人的婆婆﹐他們怎麼就絲毫沒有想到這點呢？
在醫院門口﹐我看見了先生。僅僅三天沒見﹐他憔悴了許多。
我本想轉身就走﹐但他的模樣讓我心疼﹐沒忍住﹐我喊了他。
先生循著聲音看見了我﹐卻好像不認識了﹐
眼神裡有一絲藏不住的厭惡﹐這冰冷地刺傷了我。
我跟自己說不要看他不要看他﹐伸手攔了一輛出租車。
那時﹐我多想向先生大喊一聲﹕
'親愛的我要給你生個寶貝了！'然後被他舉起來﹐幸福地旋轉。
我希望的並沒有發生。
在出租車裡﹐我的眼淚才遲遲地落下來。
為什麼一場爭吵就讓愛情糟糕到這樣的程度？

回家後﹐我躺在床上想先生﹐想他滿眼的厭惡。我握著被子的一角哭了。
夜裡﹐家裡有翻抽屜的聲音。
打開燈﹐我看見先生淚流滿面的臉。他正在拿錢。
我冷冷地看著他﹐一聲不響。他對我視若無睹﹐拿著存摺和鈔票匆匆離開。
或許先生是打算徹底離開我了。
真是個理智的男人﹐情與錢分得如此清楚。
我冷笑了幾下﹐眼淚'嘩啦嘩啦'的流下來。

第二天﹐我沒去上班。想徹底清理一下自己的思緒﹐找先生好好談一談。
找到先生的公司﹐秘書有點奇怪地看著我說﹕
'陳總的母親出了車禍﹐這幾天都在醫院裡呢。'我瞠目結舌。
飛奔到醫院﹐找到先生時﹐婆婆已經去世了。
先生一直不看我﹐一臉僵硬。
我望著婆婆幹瘦蒼白的臉﹐眼淚止不住﹕天哪！怎麼會是這樣？
直到安葬了婆婆﹐先生也沒跟我說一句話﹐
甚至看我一眼都帶著深深的厭惡。
關於車禍﹐我還是從別人嘴裡了解到大概﹐婆婆出門後迷迷糊糊地向車站走﹐她想回老家﹐
先生越追她走得越快﹐
穿過馬路時﹐一輛公車迎面撞過來……
我終於明白了先生的厭惡﹐如果那天早晨我沒有嘔吐﹐
如果我們沒有爭吵﹐如果……在他的心裡﹐認定我是間接殺死他母親的罪人。
先生默不作聲搬進了婆婆的房間﹐每晚回來都滿身酒氣。
而我一直被愧疚和可憐的自尊折騰得喘不過氣來﹐
想跟他解釋﹐想跟他說我們快有孩子了﹐
但看著他冰冷的眼神﹐又把所有的話都咽了回去。
我寧願先生打我一頓或者罵我一頓﹐雖然這一切事故都不是我故意要它發生的。

日子一天一天地窒息著重覆下去﹐先生回家的時間越來越晚。
我們僵持著﹐比一般的陌生人還要尷尬。
我是繫在他心上的死結。
一次﹐我路過一家西餐廳﹐穿過透明的落地窗﹐
我看見先生和一個年輕女孩面對面坐著﹐
他輕輕地為女孩攏了攏頭髮﹐我就明白了這一切。
先是呆住﹐然後我進了西餐廳﹐站在先生面前﹐死死盯著他看﹐眼裡沒有一滴淚。
我什麼也不想說﹐也無話可說。
女孩看看我﹐看看我先生﹐站起來想走﹐但我先生伸手按住她﹐
然後﹐同樣死死地﹐一樣絕不示弱地看著我。
我只能聽見自己緩慢的心跳﹐一下一下跳動在瀕臨死亡般的蒼白邊緣。
輸了的是我﹐如果再站下去﹐我會和肚子裡的孩子一起倒下的。

那一夜﹐先生沒回家﹐他用這樣的方式讓我明白﹕
隨著婆婆的去世﹐我們的愛情也死了。
先生再也沒有回來過。
有時﹐我下班回來﹐看見衣櫥有被動過──是先生回來拿一點自己的東西。
我不想給他打電話﹐原先還有試圖向他解釋一番的念頭﹐但一切都已經徹底失去了。
我一個人過生活﹐一個人去醫院作產檢﹐
每每看見有男人小心地扶著妻子去做產檢﹐我的心便碎的不成樣子。
同事隱約勸我拿掉算了﹐我堅決說不﹐
我發瘋似的一定要生下這個孩子﹐也算是對婆婆的死的補償吧。

我下班回來﹐先生坐在客廳裡﹐滿屋子煙霧彌漫﹐茶几上擺著一張紙。
沒必要看﹐我知道那裡面寫了什麼內容。
先生不在家的二個多月﹐我逐漸學會了平靜。
我看著他﹐摘下帽子﹐說﹕'你等一下﹐我簽字。'
先生看著我﹐眼神複雜﹐和我一樣。
我一邊解大衣扣子一邊在心裡對自己說﹕'不哭不能哭……'眼睛很疼﹐
但我決不讓眼淚流出來。
掛好大衣﹐先生的眼睛死死的盯著我已然隆起的肚子。
我笑了笑﹐走過去﹐拖過那張紙﹐看也不看﹐簽上自己的名字﹐推還給他。
'蘆荻﹐你懷孕了？'
自從婆婆出事後﹐這是先生跟我說的第一句話。
我再也管不住眼睛﹐眼淚一瞬間嘩啦地流下來。
我說﹕'是啊﹐不過沒事﹐你可以走了。'

先生沒走﹐黑暗裡﹐我們對望著。
先生慢慢趴在我身上﹐眼淚滲透了被子。
而在我心裡﹐很多東西已經走遠了﹐遠到即使我奔跑都追不到了。
不記得先生跟我說過多少遍'對不起'了﹐
我也曾經以為自己會原諒﹐但卻不能﹐在西餐廳先生當著那個女孩的面﹐
他那冰冷的眼神﹐這輩子﹐我忘記不了了。
我們在彼此心上劃下了一道不可磨滅的傷痕。
我的﹐是無意的；他的﹐是刻意的。
期待著冰釋前嫌﹐但過去的已無法再重來！
除了想起肚子裡的孩子時心裡是暖暖的﹐而對先生﹐我心是冷如冰霜﹐
不吃他買的任何東西﹐不收他的任何禮物﹐不跟他多說一句話。
從在那張紙上簽了字後﹐婚姻以及愛情統統在我的心裡消失了。
有時先生試圖進臥室﹐他來﹐我就出去客廳﹐先生只好睡回婆婆的房間。
夜裡﹐從先生的房間有時會傳來輕微的呻吟﹐我都一聲不響。
這是他習慣玩的伎倆﹐以前只要我不理他了﹐他就裝病﹐
我就會乖乖投降﹐關心他怎麼了﹐他就一把抓住我哈哈大笑。
他似乎忘了﹐那時﹐我會心疼是因為有愛情﹐
而現在﹐我們還有什麼？

先生的呻吟斷斷續續的一直到孩子出生。
他幾乎每天都在給孩子買東西﹐嬰兒用品﹐兒童用品﹐
以及孩子喜歡的書﹐一包包的﹐快把他的房間堆滿了。
我知道他是想用這樣的方式感動我﹐而我完全不為所動。
他只好關在房間裡﹐用電腦'批哩啪啦'敲字﹐
或許他正網戀吧﹐但對我已經是無所謂的事了。

隔年春未的一個深夜﹐劇烈的腹痛讓我叫了出來﹐
先生一個箭步衝進來﹐好像他根本就沒脫衣服睡覺﹐
為的就是等這一刻的到來。
先生背起我就往樓下跑﹐攔車﹐一路上緊緊地握住我的手﹐
不停地幫我擦掉額頭上的汗。
到了醫院﹐背起我就往婦產科跑。
趴在他幹瘦而溫暖的背上﹐一個念頭忽然闖進我心裡﹕
這一生﹐還有人會像他這樣疼愛我嗎？
先生扶著產房的門把喘息著﹐看著我被推進去﹐
那眼神是暖融融的﹐我忍著陣痛對他笑了一下。

從產房出來後﹐先生望著我和兒子﹐
眼睛濕濕地笑啊笑啊的。
我摸了一下他的手﹐卻是意外的冰冷
先生望著我﹐微笑﹐然後﹐緩慢而疲憊地癱軟倒下。
我放聲叫喊著他名字……
先生依然笑著﹐但沒睜開那疲憊的眼睛……
我以為這一生我再也不會為先生流一滴淚﹐
而事實卻是﹐從沒有過的如此劇痛撕扯著我的身體。
醫生說﹐我先生的肝癌發現時已是晚期﹐他能堅持這麼久真的算是奇蹟。
我問醫生什麼 時候發現的？
醫生說在五個月前﹐然後安慰我﹕'好好的準備後事吧。'
我不顧護士的阻攔﹐回到家﹐衝進先生的房間打開電腦﹐
心跳一下子被疼痛窒息了。
先生的肝癌在五個月前就已發現﹐他在夜裡的呻吟是真的﹐
我居然還以為……

而電腦上滿滿的20多萬字﹐是先生寫給兒子的留言﹕
孩子﹐為了你﹐我一直在堅持﹐我要撐到看你一眼再倒下﹐
是我這一生最大的願望……
我知道﹐你的一生會有很多快樂或者遇到挫折﹐
如果我能夠陪你經歷這個成長歷程﹐那該有多麼美好﹐
但我想爸爸我沒有這個機會了。
爸爸在電腦上﹐把你一生可能遇到的問題一一地寫下來﹐
當你之後遇到這些問題時﹐或許你可以參考爸爸給你的意見…………
孩子﹐寫完這20多萬字﹐我感覺像陪你經歷了整個成長過程。
真的﹐爸爸現在很快樂。
好好愛你的媽媽﹐她很辛苦﹐
她是這世上最愛你的人﹐也是我這世上最愛的人……
從兒子去幼兒園到讀小學﹐讀中學﹐大學﹐
到工作以及愛情種種方面﹐巨細靡遺都寫到了。

先生也給我寫了留言﹕
親愛的﹐娶了你是我一輩子最大的幸福﹐
原諒我對你的傷害﹐原諒我隱瞞了病情﹐
因為我想讓你有個好的心情等待孩子的出生……
親愛的﹐如果你現在哭了﹐那代表你已經原諒我了﹐那我就會笑了﹐謝謝你一直愛著我…還為我生了個孩子…
這些禮物﹐我想我是沒有機會親自送給孩子了﹐
請你每年替我送他幾份禮物﹐包裝盒子上都寫好了送禮物的日期……親愛的……

回到醫院﹐先生依舊在昏迷中。
我把兒子抱過來﹐放在他身邊﹐我說﹕
'你睜開眼笑一下吧﹐我要讓兒子記住在他爸爸懷裡的溫暖……'
先生艱難地睜開眼﹐微微地笑了一下。
兒子偎依在他懷裡﹐舞動著粉紅色的小手。
我'喀嚓喀嚓'按下快門﹐淚水在臉上放肆地流……
「人生最大的懲罰就是後悔」，有智慧的您--能不好好把握嗎？

Theme for my blog!!! =P

2008-12-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

Should I give a theme for my blog??? My friend, cutie khan said no need!!! Very troublesome is what he said. LOL... Just write anything that comes into my mind. But if I'm a boring person with boring ideas and with boring writing than will produce a boring blog. LOL... Maybe later la... A person who lack with knowledge, like me is actually hard to look for something that can discuss with others. But I'll try my best... Hehe...

Anyway, I've a question here. If you know that you are going to leave this place for few years, but you fall for a gal. Will you confess to her and stay with her for the remaining time before you leave this place?Or will you choose to remain silence and just let it be?

Drop me a comment if you have any idea.

Thanks!!! Danke!!!

Fall For You

2008-12-04T07:20:00.000-08:00

...

2008-12-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

I'm working with my dad now, right. Just because Chinese New Year is around the corner, My dad and mum and my aunt are in a rush now. They have received many orders and everything seems not smooth enough. Just because of that, my dad is not in a very good mood recently. I try my best to help but it seems not helping much everyday. Sad... But my mum told me that all will come to an end after 2 more weeks. Because by right that time they will be finishing up their orders. Hope so le... =P

Today I've confirmed with my 9 friends for a DOTA tournament. Haha... Long time didn't play with them. Miss the time so much... Hehe... On Monday, we'll be having our dinner at 6 in Greentown and then of cause will be wars among us. Haha... Hmm... I think we can only play till about 12 a.m. like that cause I think most of our mum will be mumbling for being home late. Hehe... Of course parents would like their children to stay home and always the same line when you're going out, "Don't come back late and be careful!". Maybe next time I'll say the same thing to my children. Who knows?! =P

Half semester break has gone but I've done nothing but play and sleep and eat and watch. LOL... Again hope I can change. Change to be more hardworking and less playful. Hehe... Really must brush up myself in all subjects. Everybody studies to become more competitive but I study just to hope that I'm not thrown too far by others. But at the same time I must know how to relax geh... LOL... Like blogging la... (ceh...haha...) And also listening to songs la... Let me show you all one song. Very very very very.........NICE!!! To me la... Hehe... It's called "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. Let's listen to it! =P

Boring and Tiring Days

2008-11-26T06:10:00.000-08:00

When I woke up today morning, my eye lids were so heavy and i could not even get myself up to have a refreshing bath. But at last, I was forced to leave my warm bed and brush myself. This is because I had to get up and work!!! These few days, My life routine was the same. Morning, work; Afternoon, sleep; Night, online and sleep. That's all. But yesterday, my aunt brought her external hard disc to me. All her collections on movies, songs, wallpapers were transfered to my laptop. (giggle) The most important thing is, I manage to get most of the Disney Cartoons such as Lion King, Beauty and The Beast, Jumbo, Peter Pan and more!!! (laugh) The only regret is, all the movies are all in mandarin audio. (sob) I exchange all these with only 100 old love songs. This album was bought when I were loitering with my friends in Popular. It's only BOX01. BOX02 is with my friend now, he bought it and I'll get another 100 old love songs. Love songs like Red River Valley, Only You, Unchained Melody and Sealed With a Kiss are really nice. There are still many of cause but I know only a few. (giggle) As I mentioned above, studying is not included in my life routine now. (giggle) Expected... (laugh) But I've something on my mind now. I plan to record all the German vocabulary and add them into my ipod nano. Then when I'm working, I can listen to it and revise. Multitasking is a good idea to complete everything that I've planned to do during this holidays. (giggle)

I've thought of something today. Is my way of study not effective enough??? Recently, I admit that I'm far more hardworking than I was in secondary school. But my academic seems not improving a lot. I understand that improvement is not something that we control it manually. On means on. Off means off. It doesn't mean that way. We should have to adhere to our aims and objectives, consistently. Everybody knows it. But not everyone can make it, including me. Thats why I'm still lost. Lost in a maze. I've tried my best to resist every distraction. (i mean DOTA and outing. Giggle) Try to concentrate. But maybe I'm not working hard on it yet. That's why I'm wasting my second week here. Or maybe it's just I'm not a smart guy, not born to study but to waste my entire lifetime? (Emo again. Giggle) Hmm... I think i should go and record my vocabulary. Cause my mum and dad went bed already. (I didn't mean they are noisy. Laugh)

My first here.

2008-11-23T04:30:00.000-08:00

This isn't the first time I write a blog. I've a blog spot at Windows Live actually. Since many of my friends are having their blogs here, I just follow the trend la. (giggle) Hmm... Firstly, let me explain why I name this blog as "The Egg Yolk". I'm called "ostan" since i was Form 4 in SMJK SAM TET, IPOH. It was created as my name is Ooi Siang Tan. Then the abbreviation for my name will be O.S.Tan. Thus, my nickname will be ostan. But this doesn't explain much on the title of my blog right? Be patient, let me continue. =P. "tan" in Cantonese means egg. Here forms the word egg in my blog title. Since the egg yolk represents the "heart" of an egg, i name my blog, The egg yolk. Just to indicate that this blog shows anything deep inside my heart. (ceh...haha...)

I'm studying German in INTEC, UiTM. Having A-level and German course there as a preparation to further my studies in Germany. I've only completed my first semester there and only know a few German. STill ahve to brush up and improve. (giggle)I'm having my semester break now. Going back to my home in Ipoh is really exciting and heart-stirring. But this time, I've a special mission to be completed and I've already completed it.=P. The mission was to be the "tour guide" of my 2 Sarawak friends who I get to know them in my campus. Jasper, Zoing (my two best friends. Cause we get JPA together and study in the same course now. We are already friends in secondary school!!! So I really appreciate that. Giggle) and I brought them to eat almost everything in Ipoh in these 4 days. (laughing) Actually we didn't bring them to some sight-seeing and historical places in Ipoh. Cause I think we don't have any here. (giggle). We just brought them to taste some delicious food that are something new to them in Ipoh. It was really a wonderful experience but also a tiring task. (giggle) I drove them and could only reach home at 1 or 2 a.m. But to be frank, it was really enjoyable. Visit us again at anytime you like buddies.=P. In fact, I've planned to revise my German and also anything that I've studied for these past 4 months during this long break. In the morning, I'll work for my dad and then starts my revision in the afternoon. Maybe I'll take a nap if I'm sleepy. (I'm always sleepy. Giggle) At night, I'll spend my time surfing internet and MSN-ing. (giggle) and also watch some HK series that I've already resisted for 4 months!!! (laughing). But for sure, flexibility is always very important for a working plan. Adjustment will be made if any interruption occurs. (Interruption here means entertainment. Giggle). Ok la. I think that's all for today. I'll tell you all how my plan works out from time to time. And I try to update my blog as soon as possible. (Cutie Khan always hastens me to blog. Giggle...) Bye and Tschüss!!!